I did everything he asked

I screwed up. I got sick and went off the deep end. I ruined so much.

But I did everything he asked to make things better.

I emailed his work. Took out an insurance policy in his name. Offered restitution. Public apologies. Redid his website.

He said he loved me and I broke.

The silence is killing me.

Regret

Once you get tangled in the legal system, it’s very hard to get out of it, and sometimes you just take what you can get, and hope for the best. It’s caused a lot of stress and I just wanted it to be over. . .however it ended.

I made a grievous mistake. Compounded by my anxiety and OCD.

And I did everything I could to fix the mess I made.

But I was too late.

And for that I will always live with regret.

Anchor

I always thought no matter what happened I’d always have you. This belief was like an anchor that kept me grounded through every storm. Friends could let me down, people would come and go, but you’d always be my g-man. I don’t know what to think anymore. I have never felt so loved yet so alone. Life has never been better but I don’t know how to be happy.

Everything feels meaningless now. I don’t know what is the point of it all. I don’t know how to love the way I used to. You said it was stupid, the way I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I have tried your version of love, careful calculated passion, turns out I am no good at it. I’ve always been bad at math. Do you ever wonder how many steps back you’d have to take for life to be the way it should?

What if? What if? What if I can’t fix anything? What if I’ve wrecked it all and it’s broken forever? What if? What if? What if I miss you so much it feels like I’m dying?

I wish we could skip to the ending so I could stop reliving the past, replaying the events of that night over and over in my head, trying to work out where I went wrong. I wish you had called and said happy birthday, and we could pretend for one day that everything was normal again. Then maybe we’d keep pretending. But it’s too late, it’s all worthless now.